"Caring for your introvert"

[ksmith]

I've been sent this article several times, and today found that someone had linked to it on Facebook. OK, so it may be a shade over the top in places, but speaking as someone who once had the word "shy" incorporated into a performance evaluation, I should link to this on my website bio. Because yes, the greatest compliment I could pay you is that being with you is like being by myself. And I'm fine, really. No, I'm not sick, thanks for asking. Nope, not angry, either.

Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts.

Comments

[galeni.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I knew a lot of this but it was timely in reminding me that it's okay to prefer to do things alone rather than in groups like all the rest of my friends seem to.

[kristine-smith.livejournal.com]

Have you read The Introvert Advantage? A little bit of "different=BETTER" that bugs me, but a good book overall.

My favorite part was a description of a behavior called "barnacling" (sp?), which is when, at a big party, the introverts all gravitate to a quiet spot and talk amongst themselves.

[galeni.livejournal.com]

Thank you - I have now requested it from my library. (Great library.)

My problem is all those times that there seem to be no other introverts at a gathering. Even when I'm hosting a gathering I take a break in the kitchen to clean up and just listen without being surrounded by folks. I'd rather be an extrovert if I could, I think, but I'm not.

Most of my coworkers just HATE silence, as if it's rude or somehow offensive and more than one drivel on constantly to the air about everything they're thinking. Whew. Exhausting.

[lagilman]

Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts.

*snicker* SO, so true.

[kristine-smith.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I feel like I should wear a sign.

[barbarienne.livejournal.com]

See, and I read stuff like this and think, Well, I still don't know if I'm an introvert or an extrovert.

[kristine-smith.livejournal.com]

I think there's a continuum (or is spectrum the right word?). I also think it depends on circumstances. In one of the linked articles, someone discusses how they were an introvert and their spouse was an extrovert, and as time went on, their orientations switched. After the spouse died, the person switched back to what they'd been.

You could be 50/50.

[e-moon60.livejournal.com]

Me neither. If I'm an introvert, I'm one of those who can deal with the big presentation to the big crowd. Who enjoys performance, always did (as a small child, according to family stories.) Doesn't get stage fright (well, not much--ask me to do something I can't do onstage...something I haven't rehearsed, something beyond my range, and do it seriously, not as a joke, and I'd freeze. Not going onstage at the Met to sing grand opera, for instance.)

If I'm an extrovert, then why do I love my time alone (but alternated with time with others?) It's true, I don't enjoy the cocktail-party sort of thing, small talk...but I do enjoy meeting strangers, chatting with them, finding out about them. I've given big parties and thoroughly enjoyed it (exhausting, but then having 30-odd people around for whose enjoyment that day you're responsible is exhausting.)

In some situations I'm very outgoing; in others, I'm very non-outgoing.

I think those of us in the middle range (the ones psychologists would prefer to think don't exist) may come in various forms, one of which is a rapid swing from real introvert to real extrovert. I can spend a day alone happily (and suspect that a week alone wouldn't stretch my tolerance) but that's because I know the others are out there, always ready (and it's hard to detach myelf from email and blogs and other modes of contact.) When I need the alone time, it does drive me nuts to have people asking if I'm ok, if I'm sick, if I'm angry or upset. When I need the together time, it drives me nuts for people to comment on my alternate need for alone time.

[kristine-smith.livejournal.com]

FWIW, the article mentions that a numbers of actors are introverts, and that introverts are often just fine with giving presentations to large groups. It's that face-to-face midrange that can boggle us, and by us I mean me, because I am definitely more than 50% introvert.

[pbray.livejournal.com]

In my marketing and consulting days, I routinely gave presentations to groups as small as ten people and as large as a thousand packed into a convention center. I received high marks for my speaking ability and sales teams routinely paid for me to fly out to talk to their customers.

People who saw me in marketing mode had a hard time understanding that I was an introvert. But literally for me it was a role that I performed, and as soon as it was done, I turned it back off to conserve energy.

[kristine-smith.livejournal.com]

I attended a training course during which the presenter said that she was an introvert, and needed downtime after each presentation. Even so, she enjoyed it, and she was good at it. She was self-employed, so she was doing it on purpose. But she did say that people couldn't understand when she said she was an introvert. They confuse 'introvert' with 'shy', and while introverts can be shy, the two things aren't interchangeable.

[sylvia-rachel.livejournal.com]

Yes, exactly. (Except without the marketing part.)

I like parties (as long as I know more than one person there, or can play with the kids), and I can give presentations if I have to, and I can even quite enjoy things like conferences -- but there has to be alone time. As I keep trying to explain to my extremely extrovert mother, it's not that I don't enjoy spending time with people; it's just that after spending time with people, whether or not I enjoyed it (which I often do), I'm tired and raw of nerve.

[barbarienne.livejournal.com]

::nod, nod::

Yes, my favorite vacations are the ones I take by myself, to countryside sort of places. Vacationing alone regenerates my energy so much better than if I travel with people.

Of course, after a week like that, I'll talk the ear off whoever is unlucky enough to join me at the pub!

[afraclose.livejournal.com]

I'm loving this article. Thank you so much for posting it.

I still have trouble explaining to people why being around them just exhausts me.

[jennifer-dunne.livejournal.com]

I *still* have not trained my mom out of "introvert" = "shy".

I try explaining it as a matter of focus -- introverts are inwardly focused, and it takes energy to redirect that focus out to other people, whereas extroverts are externally focused, and it takes energy to redirect that focus into introspection.

My rough guideline when dealing with people is to weight their comments on a scale of introspection and external validation. If they say more about how they feel about something, they're probably more introverted. If they say more about how people reacted to something, they're probably more extroverted.

And it's the extroverts' need for social approval that I find completely incomprehensible. I can acknowledge it, and intellectually recognize it, but I just don't grok it.