Not the way to start the week

[ksmith]

Had a disturbing dream last night. Make that disturbing and irritating.



It was about Dad. It began in a parking lot. I was on my way to my car, and either knew that Dad's truck was parked there somewhere or had seen it. He was sick, but was well enough to drive himself and was at a hospital undergoing treatment.

I drive home, but it's not a home that I recognize. All the rooms are large and dark, with little furniture and no windows. Beetlejuice-type rooms, with lots of grey and blue grey and odd proportions and shadows. A house party of some sort is going on, but I don't know many of the people. My editor's boss makes an appearance, and says a few words to me. Someone who I know is a Summer Intern mistakes my open tote bag that is sitting on the floor for a waste can and empties her plate into it. She apologizes while I wait for her to start cleaning it up. In the meantime, I realize that it has gotten dark and Dad hasn't yet returned from the hospital.

I know that at some point I talk to Mom, and for some reason we decide to not phone the hospital. I want to drive to the parking lot and look for Dad's truck, but I'm worried that it might be there and in that case what would I do? Then I'm worried that it might not be there, and Dad is in trouble somewhere, and again, what would I do? For some reason, we don't contact police. We just wait, and wait.

Now the kicker is that in the back of my mind, I know Dad is dead. Not that he died in the course of the dream and I'm afraid to find out about it, but that's there's no point in being in this dream in the first place because he's gone. I can't recall if I say this aloud over the course of the dream, but I know I think it, and while the thought isn't really comforting it provides an odd sense of relief. As in, there's nothing I can do anyway, so don't panic.

I awoke a couple of times over the course of the night--at one point, I let Mickey outside, and at another, I just lay there. I did fall back asleep both times, and damned if I didn't return to that same dream. It remained vague, with nothing ever resolved. Dad was missing and we weren't sure what to do about it, and we felt anxious and restive even though I knew on one level that it was a moot point.

I don't think I've ever had the heart-stopping classic nightmare. I've had dreams like this, though, vague unpleasant sensations and images that stay with me and set the tone for the day. I always glad to awaken from these things, but I don't shake them completely.

It's times like these when I need a funny movie and a stupid drink with an umbrella in it, or something.

Comments

[hittite.livejournal.com]

That is a disturbing dream, and that going back to the same dream after waking up is a strange phenomenon in itself--does not happen that often. Were you able to influence how the dream progressed, after you woke up and got back into the same dream? I think they call that lucid dreaming, and it is like you become some kind of an omnipotent (but not necessarily omniscient) super-dream-editor, so you can actually re-write the script as it unfolds. It is obvious that you are missing your Dad, though.

Hope you are having a better time now that you seem to be awake :) Also, I can imagine a small, glass covered box by your nightstand, with a funny movie DVD and a hermetically sealed, thermally insulated drink with an umbrella in it: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY: Break Glass, Watch Movie, Consume Drink" written in red on the glass. :)

[kristine-smith.livejournal.com]

I've never managed lucid dreaming. The most I've been able to do is what I did last night, realize the truth of the situation and let the dream play itself out.

A minor difference between last night's dream and some previous unpleasant ones. In last night's dream, I knew the truth, but I knew it within the context of the dream. I didn't tell myself that I was dreaming. With other bad dreams, I was able to tell myself "This is just a dream. It will be over eventually."

[alfreda89.livejournal.com]

I second the notion of the emergency DVD and a pre-mixed cocktail--chocolate on the side, perhaps? I know cheese doesn't do it for you. This has echoes of the "suddenly need to take a final and never went to the class" or the adult version "I've forgotten something vitally important like paying an insurance bill or taking medication" ring to it. Only in your case, you have misplaced something very important--can't replace it, and it will be long, if ever, you can find a friend to bounce things off the way you talked with your Dad.

Sending along hugs, although I know they don't help much. Hang in there--the ache doesn't disappear, but in my experience it eases a bit to bearable. I miss my M-I-L pretty much every day, but most of the pain has gone out of it.

I do talk to her occasionally, tho.... %^) Silently.

[kristine-smith.livejournal.com]

I think you're right--the feeling of helplessness, and the sense that no matter what I did, it wouldn't do any good.

The thing is, these "issue dreams" tend to repeat several times over the course of the year, during--you guessed it--times of stress. For years, it was either exam dreams or, after I started going to cons, missing-panel or missing-transportation-to-con dreams. Annoying, but they don't tend to color my day. The thought that losing Dad over and over will be my new stress dream isn't a pleasant prospect.

[alfreda89.livejournal.com]

As a new stress dream, that one pegs the meter as lousy. There is one thing you might consider trying, if you could bear to discuss things with a stranger. Sometimes sorting life out with a professional counselor can be very beneficial--not only while going, but it gives you new coping skills and new ways of analyzing info later on.

I have another quiet theory...it's why I am trying so hard to integrate our cats, and would not dream of asking W to get rid of this cat. Because I sincerely believe pets are given to us in trust to teach us how to love and lose. Losing family and good friends is such a wretch--loved pets teach us how to grieve and get through.

Let your dogs help.

[kristine-smith.livejournal.com]

As a new stress dream, that one pegs the meter as lousy. There is one thing you might consider trying, if you could bear to discuss things with a stranger. Sometimes sorting life out with a professional counselor can be very beneficial--not only while going, but it gives you new coping skills and new ways of analyzing info later on.

You're the third person to recommend counseling. Did I ever mention that we were never much for reaching out for help in my family. Well, Dad was, to some extent. But me, or Mom?

I need to think about it.

I have another quiet theory...it's why I am trying so hard to integrate our cats, and would not dream of asking W to get rid of this cat. Because I sincerely believe pets are given to us in trust to teach us how to love and lose. Losing family and good friends is such a wretch--loved pets teach us how to grieve and get through.

Let your dogs help.

They do. I spend time with them in the evenings because even though they don't really want to play with me, they still want me with them when they're playing. So I weed, or rake, or cut the lawn while they run about. Sometimes, I just sit and watch them.