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ksmithTomorrow's my birthday, the 47th in what I hope proves a long-running series. I usually try to avoid thinking about birthdays and the unspoken reality of the years going by, but that's difficult to do when you've family around. They tend to like to remind you, if only as an excuse to sing off-key and eat cake.
I've been struggling lately with this concept of getting older, thoughts about the meaning of it all interspersed with the occasional relieved realization that if nothing else I have discovered that one thing I enjoy doing more than anything else. Wish it paid more, but I'm working on that. The idea that one can even think about beginning a new career with 50 in one's sightlines isn't a concept I'd have considered years ago. I wish I *had* thought about it more years ago, because I might be better prepared now. I try to content myself with the fact that I have always been a late bloomer, always got to things well after everyone else had heard about them and picked through all the best t-shirts. I still managed to take what I needed, find something I could use, learn a few things in the process, and move on. I've never been much for looking back, for better or worse. Wherever I go, there I am. Deal with the situation as it is. Recently, though, that mindset has been colored by the understanding that my time here is limited (did I really think I was immortal?) and being the good little demographic isn't always the best choice. Maybe some of you reading this realized this years ago. Congratulations. Save the lectures--I've been out of school two and a half decades and have no plans to return.
I am living in interesting times. I wish I didn't, but I didn't get a choice. I can do what I can to make them less interesting, at least from my point of view.
I have no answers. I find myself pondering root causes and the reasons for things. What I believe politically, theologically, about the workings of society. I realize that in some cases, what may be best for society as a whole may not be best for me, that I am prepared to give but fear that those on the other side will take with no intention of giving in return. And I try to reconcile this with a religious ideal wherein one gives with no expectation of receiving anything in return, realize that if I follow this precept, I may be swept under, and wonder if this is indeed the better path.
I have no answers, only questions that are becoming more and more difficult to answer. Given that, I realize that there is no real end to these ruminations, only the decision that it's time to move on to something else for a few hours.
Is this what it means to get older?
I've been struggling lately with this concept of getting older, thoughts about the meaning of it all interspersed with the occasional relieved realization that if nothing else I have discovered that one thing I enjoy doing more than anything else. Wish it paid more, but I'm working on that. The idea that one can even think about beginning a new career with 50 in one's sightlines isn't a concept I'd have considered years ago. I wish I *had* thought about it more years ago, because I might be better prepared now. I try to content myself with the fact that I have always been a late bloomer, always got to things well after everyone else had heard about them and picked through all the best t-shirts. I still managed to take what I needed, find something I could use, learn a few things in the process, and move on. I've never been much for looking back, for better or worse. Wherever I go, there I am. Deal with the situation as it is. Recently, though, that mindset has been colored by the understanding that my time here is limited (did I really think I was immortal?) and being the good little demographic isn't always the best choice. Maybe some of you reading this realized this years ago. Congratulations. Save the lectures--I've been out of school two and a half decades and have no plans to return.
I am living in interesting times. I wish I didn't, but I didn't get a choice. I can do what I can to make them less interesting, at least from my point of view.
I have no answers. I find myself pondering root causes and the reasons for things. What I believe politically, theologically, about the workings of society. I realize that in some cases, what may be best for society as a whole may not be best for me, that I am prepared to give but fear that those on the other side will take with no intention of giving in return. And I try to reconcile this with a religious ideal wherein one gives with no expectation of receiving anything in return, realize that if I follow this precept, I may be swept under, and wonder if this is indeed the better path.
I have no answers, only questions that are becoming more and more difficult to answer. Given that, I realize that there is no real end to these ruminations, only the decision that it's time to move on to something else for a few hours.
Is this what it means to get older?
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no subject
Date: 2005-07-03 06:26 pm (UTC)Certainly the "I don't have any answers" part is, in my experience.
When I was 26, I had lots of answers. At 52, the only one I'm sure of is, "It depends..."
no subject
Date: 2005-07-03 06:35 pm (UTC)Which makes the fact that we're surrounded by 40-50-somethings who claim to have all the answers even scarier, because given their certitude I don't believe they even paused to ask themselves any questions. Which makes me wonder how they grew up and when. Or if.
I understand that sooner or later, decisions need to be made. But did it have to be these decisions?
no subject
Date: 2005-07-03 06:47 pm (UTC)Even if it is full of puzzles.
no subject
Date: 2005-07-03 07:12 pm (UTC)On the other hand, I fully intend to live to be at least 200 ;) so maybe the second century will mean I get smarter ;).
Happy birthday, and you're not old until you start Acting Your Age and Stop Playing.
no subject
Date: 2005-07-04 12:25 am (UTC)When I was 20 I was certain I knew everything. Now, two decades later, I know much more, and all I'm certain of is my ignorance.
I value my doubts. I wouldn't want to go back to my 20s... but if I could find a way to have my 20 year-old knees back, I'd be tempted.
no subject
Date: 2005-07-04 01:25 am (UTC)I've been meaning to ask you how well your knees tolerate biking, and whether you have any problems. I bunged up my knees on a HealthRider several years ago--did sufficient soft tissue damage that subsequent attempts at biking proved painful. I would like to get a bike for recreational riding, but I'd rent one first so that I could make sure my knees could take it.
Yes, my 20 year-old knees, ankles, feet, stomach...
no subject
Date: 2005-07-04 01:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-04 02:42 am (UTC)Happy birthday, and you're not old until you start Acting Your Age and Stop Playing.
I fight the good fight by listening to music that's 20 years too young for me.
The Raveonettes--Twilight. Love the guitar, just love it.
no subject
Date: 2005-07-04 02:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-04 04:22 pm (UTC)